9 Days Later.

I am so pissed I didn't post anything on my birthday. 09/09/09. Such a cool date, huh? Must've been a good one. Yea right. I had to study. Work hard, play later, as they say. Actually, I mean my birthday was on a Wednesday. I could have celebrated the weekend before or the weekend after. I was supposed to go to Knoxville with Jessica to see Allie, but instead I stayed home to study. I honestly did not want to do anything for it. It was nice having lunch with my family but that was it. I had other shit to do. I don't have time to party anymore. Not when I need to study. For example, this Saturday is the UK vs. UofL game. Weeks ago, I had made plans to go to it. It is going to be in Lexington and all my cheer friends are going to be there. It's going to be a grand ole time. But I decided yesterday that I needed to study more than I need to party. So I am going to stay here and study. Back to my birthday. It has always made me feel anxious. I usually cry, although this year and last year I didn't. It stresses me out. It's as if I don't want to celebrate if not everyone can be there. Or like I don't wanna risk the chance to plan something, then no one come. I mean, honestly, that wouldn't happen. But you never know. I know I am very special (something ingrained in my head by my wonderfully loving mother) but I secretly hate feeling special. I love it but I hate it. Even when people compliment me it makes me nervous. I don't think nervous is the word. It might be embarrassed. I feel embarrassed. I enjoy compliments but when people compliment me I feel like I must have done something to provoke it out of them especially when they compliment on the shit I have, like I am showing off or something. So I almost feel bad, ashamed that I drive a Benz or that my scarf is Burberry. But seriously, even when people tell me how much they like my car. I hate having to tell people I drive a Benz. It was bad when I drove an S-class but now its worse that I drive a brand new one. I feel like in their heads, they all all thinking, "Must be nice.." or some stupid shit like that. Well yea, it is nice. And I sorry it turned out that way. I just don't want people to think that I think I am better than them just because my mom agrees to buy me nice things. I am surely over-analyzing the whole compliment thing, as I do with most everything. People don't think anything. It's all in my head. Ah! Needless to say, I didn't end up doing anything to celebrate my birthday this year. Studying just seems more important to me. I can celebrate when I'm a doctor. I need to loosen up. Well.. happy fuckin' birthday.