TTF: Time To Focus.

I feel so lame. It's a Saturday night and I am here, on my couch, doing nothing. I went out last night but only made it until 12 when I took a taxi from 4th street to Bearno's and went home with Maleah. I guess you would call this getting old except I'm not old. At all. I don't even know how to drink anymore. I just get fucked up fast and then can't last. I kinda used to love to go out and get wasted and have fun. Not even that, but I usually could at least attempt to make myself somewhat the life of the party, instead of being the lame-O that goes home at 12 because he is not even that drunk but convinces himself he is out-of-control fucked up, has not even drank that much at all, yet still feels like he is going to vomit all over the dance floor. Honestly, I don't know what I am bitching about because I mean have always preferred staying at home, but at least would try to make it out to hang with my friends for a little bit, I guess which is what I did last night. But I just felt lame last night, being out, trying to have fun but feeling sick even though I didn't even drink a lot, and just wanting to go home. Here lately I feel like I am always trying to find out to see if anyone is doing anything, every time sounding interested, knowing that I more than likely will not be joining them. It's like I don't want to miss out when there is nothing really there to miss.

I text Jameson today to ask him if he wanted to go eat some Toast. He called me back to tell me that he had gone home for the weekend. We proceeded to talk about school, of course, and you know what that fucker told me? (Don't get me wrong, Jameson is one of my best friends in medical school and I love him a lot, but he is also number one in our class and has always expected me to do well, which I usually do.) He told me that I was "losing my fierceness." I was appalled. I didn't have anything to say. He told me that I still "look fierce" but am losing my fierceness in terms of my academic performance. I totally agree. What I like about Jameson is that he really just doesn't sugarcoat it. He tells you what you need to hear to actually make you better rather than just to make you feel better, like everyone else. I am losing my fierceness. I admit it.